Grasping

Two weeks ago, one of my closest college friends lost her son.  He drowned while they were on vacation in Alabama, and it has rocked their family to the core.

It has also rocked me to the core.  Nine years ago we lost our little boy, and that's something that never goes away.  Most of the time, all of the things associated with that time in our lives are stored on a shelf in a box that I keep in my heart.  The anger at God, and the hopelessness associated with that period stays stored away; a friend once told me that things like this either make you bitter or they make you better.  She had experienced a similar loss, so that stuck with me.  Mostly we choose better.  The last two weeks, the bitter has come sailing back with a vengeance.

If anything defines me, I hope it's that I'm honest.  Losing a child isn't fair.  It isn't just, and it doesn't make sense.  That never stops circling in my head.  Why me?  Why us?  Why Nicole?  Some people want to talk about the parents of a lost child as a beacon to others.  The reality of it is that I never wanted to be that beacon.  I didn't want to be a picture of grace or someone who displayed super human strength.  I wanted to be tucking my baby into a crib that we were so excited to choose.  I wanted him to meet his brother that came after him, and I wanted to trip over all his crap on the stairs.  I wanted the chance to be his mom, and we never got beyond the terrible medical decision stage.  It sucks, and I'm furious.  I'm angry that it happened to us, and I'm shattered that it happened to Nicole and her family.

These last few weeks, I have been grasping to say something meaningful to a friend who is at the beginning of this journey.  I have been frantic to say the right thing and provide insight that will help get them through the dark days.  Sometimes I worry that I'm being too present.  To be honest, I can't remember how I reacted to people those first few days after Cade was gone. I can't remember if it was helpful for people to reach out or if I responded at all.  All I know is that I'm so damn mad that I am writing about this at all. 

Summer, summer, summer, summertime!

Kai and I have been looking forward to summer for several months now it seems.  The pace of our lives just slows down, and things are all together more pleasant.  To kick off summer, we decided we would pack up and head to Florida to see Brent and Laura and pick up the boys.  The highlight of Kai's life is to get to spend time with his cousins, so he is currently on cloud 9.

On the way to Tallahassee, we stopped in Atlanta so I could return something to Athleta.  On a side note, please, Knoxville, get an Athleta.  And a Lou and Grey's.  There is a Kilwin's in Atlantic Station, so Clint customarily insists that we stop there so he can get some Mackinac Island Fudge ice cream.  We amped it up a bit this trip by eating at Which Wich, which Kai thought was incredible.



Once we got there, we spent most of the weekend by the pool.  It was roughly a thousand degrees, so it worked out really well.  Clint and I always debate whether we should get a pool, and this trip may have pushed us over the edge.



The other purpose of the trip, of course, was to eat, so we went to BJ's for dinner one night.  The highlight of BJ's is that they sell skillet cookies, which is basically a frying pan of chocolate chip cookie and ice cream.  Love.  Language.

Too much togetherness, perhaps??








And then, as all things must, the trip came to an end.  BUT!  The boys came back to TN with us for a few days, so it's like a whole other vacation!  The road trip did get a little long though...



The other big news of the week is that Kai FINALLY lost his front tooth!  It's been hanging on from weeks, but apparently the humidity of Florida finally did it in.



I know it's supposed to look cute, but I kind of think he just looks....like he doesn't have solid dental care.  I hate it, and I'll be really glad when his tooth comes back in.  In a frantic rush, I remembered that the Tooth Fairy had to come the night we got back home, so I took some money from Kai's wallet to trade for his tooth.  Luckily, he doesn't ever really know how much money he has.  However, he only had five one dollar bills, so I asked Dilyn to trade me the five ones for a five.  Thank heavens for divine intervention because, apparently, Kai had written his name on all his dollars....hahahaha.  I think he suspects that I double use his money sometimes.

Kai absolutely loves summer because he gets to spend time with the boys.  He loves being with kids, and it makes me so sad that he doesn't have his brother.  However, having Dilyn and Tyler here is pretty awesome, and he is so lucky to have relationships like that.  The one downfall is that they sleep much later than Kai, so we've currently been waiting for them to get up for three hours.  Kai is just camped out on the steps awaiting their first stir...



I'm so thankful for a job that allows me the time to do this.  The school year is really hard, and it's really busy, and we feel so frayed sometimes.  These weeks help my family recharge and go back reenergized.  Here's to Summer 2016!

California Love

Clint and I have been married almost sixteen years.  That blows my mind.  We have been together more of our lives than apart at this point.  Deductive reasoning tells me that we're old, but we don't feel old.  Well, we kind of felt old when we went on our blow-out fifteenth year anniversary trip and managed to go to bed every night by 10, but I digress.

We flew into San Francisco, and we spent a couple of days in the city.  El Nino set in right as we got there, so it poured the rain the first couple of days.  It didn't matter to us.  It was part of the memory.  

From there, we drove down to Monterey.  It is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.  We stayed on Cannery Row, and we could hear the waves crash as we slept.  That sounds super romanticized, but it's actually true.  My only regret about Monterey was not getting to stay longer.





As we left Monterey, the weather finally broke, and the sun started to shine.  We drove through Big Sur on one of the bluest days I'd seen in a while.  Before we knew it, we came upon Bixby Bridge, and it took our breath.  Every car commercial I've ever seen couldn't have prepared us for this.  I kind of hate posting pictures of it because I don't think I can even do it justice.





We also stopped at Pebble Beach along this route, which I hear is a pretty famous golf course...haha... Beyond Monterey, we spent the night in Pismo Beach, which had the rolling green hills to the left balanced by the Pacific Ocean to the right.  We met a great couple who retired and opened a wine tasting shop in downtown Pismo.  As we tried different varieties they offered, it was time for the owners to go home.  She let me in on the fact that the Italian place next door was one of the best meals to be had in the town.  They were headed there for dinner, and we told them we were likely headed that way as well.  When they got there, she called back over to say that there was a wait, and that she had put our name on the list.  It was such a quaint little town that kept a little piece of my heart.

After Pismo Beach we spent the day in Santa Barbara.  The red tile roofs were the trademark of the town as well as the art galleries that held unique trinkets.  It was there that we picked up the timeless kid's book "Booger Picker" for Kai.  It was a hit.  We also found a sushi restaurant that reminded us of home.



And then we drove through LA.  And drove.  And drove.  And drove.  And by drove I mean sat in LA  traffic.

 

Dinner in Long Beach came right in time.  We spent the night in Laguna Beach in the most incredible oceanside room.  We met a solider who was there on leave.  He had the skinniest legs I've ever seen, and he was dressed like a Holister ad.  He was everything I thought Laguna Beach would be, but he was going home to Milwaukee...haha.



We ended our trip in San Diego.  Clint's need to take a tour in every city that we visit that offers tours led us to a Mexican restaurant where we watched the kickoff to March Madness.



The strangest/best/most disconcerting thing about the whole trip was not having Kai.  We ate sushi in the hotel room one night, and it was so easy.  We slept with the windows open.  We actually talked to each other.  It was nice to remember how life feels when you aren't working 9000 hours a week and trying to maintain your child's respectable presence in Kindergarten.

He was having it really tough while we were gone spending time at the Chattanooga Aquarium, Pigeon Forge, and the movies with his Nan and Pop.  He was so sad he could barely stand it.

  

This trip has been a long time coming.  It's been on our "Dream Trip" list for several years, and it was everything we wanted it to be.  We are so fortunate to have the support of my mom and dad who allow us to make our marriage a priority.  California was hit!

Here's to new beginnings

I want to be consistent at blogging.  I love to look back and read the posts from a couple of years ago, and I love the fact that Kai can do that someday as well.  But life just wins most of the time. Priorities are different, and exhaustion takes over.  I love my job, and I love my life, but, at the end of the day, there don't seem to be any words left.  I guess high school administration does that to you...haha.

Kai is in Kindergarten.  He loves it, and he has really come into his own.  He is so independent, and he is comfortable at school.  His teacher, Ms. Ellison, is fantastic, and he has grown so much in the last year.  He is really ready for summer, and I can't blame him.  Summer is my favorite time of year too!

Three years ago, I was accepted into the Leadership Academy in Knox County.  I worked at Carter High as a Grad Coach for one year, and then I went to Hardin Valley Academy as an Assistant Principal.  I was so lucky to get to be there because I got to work with the principal who hired me to teach as well as some of teachers with whom I had worked with at West.  It was such a safe place to learn how to be an administrator, and I feel so fortunate to have had the chance to learn in that place with those people.  Besides that, I had an incredible cohort of friends with whom I worked in the Academy.  There were many long nights and lots of long Fridays, but that experience proved to be one of the most powerful learning experiences I have had since I have been in education.  

In 2014, I got the opportunity to help open Career Magnet Academy in Knox County with some incredible educators.  The school itself its worth it's own entire post, but I feel blessed every day that I have the chance to work in such a place.  

To be silent for many years makes it tough to catch up on a blogging site...haha.  Rather than try to figure out what all deserves a spot in this most recent inaugural post, perhaps it's just best to dive in and start all over.  Here's to new beginnings....again.  

It's too late to apologize.

My child is growing up in a gym.  Our lives are defined by various fields and gyms, and he is learning to survive.  The games never end by bedtime, sometimes there are kids, and those concession stands make a pretty mean popcorn.  Clint and I have talked about it quite a bit, and we have decided that there are certainly worse places to grow up-North Dakota, for instance.

The other day, as we were walking back to the gym from counting money, Kai pointed down the hall of Hardin Valley, and he said, "Mommy, I remember back there; it's where we cooked," and he was right.  We had a cookout back there at the beginning of school year for all of the staff.  It broke my heart in a thousand pieces because he probably won't have that memory next year.  The year-to-year change is a struggle for me, but it also makes me so sad for him.  I want him to have places that are constant in his childhood, and I always thought my school would be one of those places.  Because we are working on three schools in three years, that hasn't quite been the case.  So I've decided that Kai's place will be the gym.  Most gyms share common features.  They are places of jubilation and heart break, holding on and letting go.  I can live with that.  There is a lot to be learned within gym walls, and though it isn't the life I thought we would have, it's one with which I am coming to terms.  Who knows?  Maybe one day I will walk into a gym to watch him play; maybe it will be a place that guards his time and keeps him away from all of the things I never want him to do.  There are a thousand things that remain to be seen.  The one thing I know for sure, though?  Right now, if you're looking for us, you can find us in the gym.

So this is how a heart breaks?

Upstairs there is a little boy clutching a Santa Claus that a stranger gave him tonight at Dollywood.  He's fast asleep dreaming of Woody and Buzz and ice cream, I'm sure.  Every night he asks me to come up and "take a little nap with him" after his Daddy finishes the bedtime ritual of teeth, story, prayers, songs, and bed.  Sometimes I want to scream when he asks because it will have been a long day and my mommy role is all tapped out.  But most of the time I go.  It has become a bit of a routine where I go up there, slip my hand in his, and begin talking to God. 

As we drove home tonight, I began to feel a hint of panic mixed with a lot of sad.  I have written about this before, but I think it is even more pronounced lately.  Kai is growing up.  He's moving away already.  Just the other day he ditched his dad at the park when he thought he had a shot of playing with another kid.  But it's more than that.  More than ever recently, when I am up there at night, I spend my time begging God to allow things to stay the same for just a little while longer.  Not just with Kai but across the board.  It feels like life is so uncertain, and when it comes to Kai, I almost can't breathe to think of the effect bad things could have on him.  Beyond that, maybe it just feels like things are a little too good to be true.  I am in a near constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop since Cade died, I guess.  Perhaps that is one of those lingering effects.  Either way, I am sure God is a little overwhelmed by a mom spending her nights from 9-9:30 arguing for the chance to do what it takes so things can just remain the way they are. 

On the way home from Dollywood, we stopped for ice cream at the McDonald's drive thru to fulfill a little boy's dream.  We ordered him the chocolate sundae.  As he was eating, he asked, "Mommy, why did you get Kai this?"  He then followed up with, "Mommy, thank you for this ice cream."  To say that my heart cracked a little probably doesn't do it justice.  Is it possible to miss the days when ice cream and a trip to Dollywood complete your baby's world before they are even gone?  If so, that's where I am tonight.  Square in the middle of that. 

I guess change is good for any of us...

It's bad when it's been so long between blog posts that I don't totally recognize the settings anymore...  We are barreling toward summer in the Stowers' house, and the last few months have been a lot of fun...

About a month ago, we (and by we I mean everyone that lives around me except actually me) planted a garden.  What started as a little vegetable project became a 30 x 60 plot.

We celebrated Easter.

And we lived it up at prom 2012...

Also last month I decided on a big change.  I accepted a position as a graduation coach at Carter High, my alma mater.  Changing jobs has been a consideration in my mind for more than a little while, and the timing just seems right for a lot of reasons.  However, it wasn't an easy decision to make.  When I say that West High School and those kids have a part of my heart, I can't be more serious.  Yesterday as a I sat at Senior Luncheon for the last time (at least for a little while...), we watched the video that some of my kids made, and it took everything I had to prevent the trickle of tears from turning into a full out sob.  In a lot of ways I grew up there.  I started when I was 21.  Leaving that place behind is leaving more than just a classroom; it's leaving a lot of memories.  It's leaving memories of the highest highs and the lowest lows.  It's leaving people that I consider family; the same people who helped bear the load when I should have been a new mom but was dealing with something very different instead.  West High School is who I am, and what a terrifying proposition, at this stage in the game, to become someone else.  But, Clint and I worked through it, and we decided to go for it.  That's the thing about a change like this:  it's a family affair.  He is just as invested as I am.  In August I will go back to school.  I will be terribly nervous that first day because it isn't somewhere that I have been in quite a while.  I will be tackling a new set of responsibilities, and I will be sick about missing the nuances of West that I enjoy so much.  In the long run, though, I am praying that this will be really good.  I am praying that I can reach a different set of kids and that I prove to be just as effective there as I feel I am in the classroom.  Regardless of all my hopes, on the drive in that morning I am sure I will have to play a little TuPac to fortify my spirit.  I am trying to find out, I guess, if change really is good for any of us.