So this is how a heart breaks?

Upstairs there is a little boy clutching a Santa Claus that a stranger gave him tonight at Dollywood.  He's fast asleep dreaming of Woody and Buzz and ice cream, I'm sure.  Every night he asks me to come up and "take a little nap with him" after his Daddy finishes the bedtime ritual of teeth, story, prayers, songs, and bed.  Sometimes I want to scream when he asks because it will have been a long day and my mommy role is all tapped out.  But most of the time I go.  It has become a bit of a routine where I go up there, slip my hand in his, and begin talking to God. 

As we drove home tonight, I began to feel a hint of panic mixed with a lot of sad.  I have written about this before, but I think it is even more pronounced lately.  Kai is growing up.  He's moving away already.  Just the other day he ditched his dad at the park when he thought he had a shot of playing with another kid.  But it's more than that.  More than ever recently, when I am up there at night, I spend my time begging God to allow things to stay the same for just a little while longer.  Not just with Kai but across the board.  It feels like life is so uncertain, and when it comes to Kai, I almost can't breathe to think of the effect bad things could have on him.  Beyond that, maybe it just feels like things are a little too good to be true.  I am in a near constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop since Cade died, I guess.  Perhaps that is one of those lingering effects.  Either way, I am sure God is a little overwhelmed by a mom spending her nights from 9-9:30 arguing for the chance to do what it takes so things can just remain the way they are. 

On the way home from Dollywood, we stopped for ice cream at the McDonald's drive thru to fulfill a little boy's dream.  We ordered him the chocolate sundae.  As he was eating, he asked, "Mommy, why did you get Kai this?"  He then followed up with, "Mommy, thank you for this ice cream."  To say that my heart cracked a little probably doesn't do it justice.  Is it possible to miss the days when ice cream and a trip to Dollywood complete your baby's world before they are even gone?  If so, that's where I am tonight.  Square in the middle of that.